Torn, my internal battle

As of late, I've felt incredibly torn.

I've been experiencing an internal battle of sorts, and I think I've come to the conclusion that these two sides need to coexist, somehow.


From the time I was young it was my dream to write and to be a mother.

I couldn't have realized then that those two dreams would exist side by side...or that those two dreams would create such conflict with one another.

The dreams themselves aren't naturally conflicting. The conflict began when I used writing to make a living.

Or really when I was forced to forfeit...or rather change the way I perceived both dreams.

And perhaps that is where the bulk of my resentment lies with the ex, the one guy I used to be married to.

The divorce, and the ultimate lack of taking up responsibility, by that guy, has forced me to change my perspective on motherhood, and on making a living.

Without my job (which happens to be in writing) I couldn't be a good mother and feed my babies.

But making a living with writing certainly fulfills a big childhood dream.

But sometimes I feel like my need to work pulls me away too much. And all I really want to do is spend time with them, read to them, make them dresses, snuggle with them, find bugs, all that good stuff.

So, this is where my conclusion comes in. These two needs, wants, dreams have been battling long enough. And it is apparent they are better suited to coexist.

I just need to change my perspective. I need to realize the blessing it is to have two dreams fulfilled, even if they aren't in the way I had imagined. And I need to morn the loss of the dreams as I had previously imagined them to be.

And I will have to make the most of my time with my girls and my time writing, so both can be rich and full parts of my life.

And I think it will just always be hard to kiss my babies goodbye, when I go to work. I just have to remember I kiss them goodbye so I can care not only for their emotional, mental and spiritual needs, but so I can care for their physical needs as well.

Because that is what a mother has to do.

And then, I hurry back when work is all done, so we can play hide-and-seek or build a fort out of blankets.