Heartache high tide

All of us experience heartache in one form or another, it's part of life.

Some days, on a low tide sort of day, managing that heartache can be relatively easy. And even on some heartache high tide days, it can be managed fairly effortlessly.

But then you have one of those days.

There you are on the beach, enjoying the beautiful sunset, when the high tide rolls in and over takes you.

There you are, flailing around like a cat in water, overwhelmed by the waves crashing down on you.

It's on days like this, that it would be nice to have someone, on higher ground, throw you a lifeline.

I think that's why people aren't meant to be alone. And why the buddy system is so great. (Especially around water.)

Each person needs a partner (a buddy). And between the two of them, they can keep each other from being taken under on those heartache high tide days.

It's just tricky when you find yourself without a buddy.

Rules

I'm super awkward.

I'll admit it.

I never know the right things to say, or how to say them. I have never understood the "rules."

Often times I end up shying away in the corner (that works well a lot of the time). Or in an effort to be honest and straight forward, I'm too blunt, too honest.

Ugh.

I wish I had a rule book for this kind of thing. Maybe I should write one...it would include entries like:

Interacting with your boss:
Talk about sports stuff, (oh wait, learn about sports first, then talk about it).

Addressing your father:
Call him "Pappy," "Old man," "Pa" or "Daddy."

Eating dinner at a fancy restaurant:
Don't lick your fingers, even if it's super good!

Expressing condolences:
Don't talk about your goldfish that died five years ago, you just gotta let that one go.

Responding to compliments:
"Are you sure?" isn't the best response, try something like, "Thanks, you're super rad!"

Interacting with the opposite sex:
....your search yielded no results....
....does not compute....
....error...
....

Yeah, so maybe I shouldn't write a book of rules.

But I wish we lived in a world where we could be completely honest with people. Honest about who we are, what we think, how we feel...how they make us feel.

Maybe it would make things more complicated if we didn't play these silly games...but then again, maybe it wouldn't.

Maybe if I could be straight with people, then this person would know that I'm sorry. That person would know how much I care for them. And that other person would understand why I'm so awkward. And this one person would see that I'm just trying to make them proud. And that one person would know that I just want to hang out with them, because I think they're the bees knees.

Wouldn't it be great, if things were more simple? I don't know, I'm just going to be hanging in my corner, while I think about it.

My New York

I haven't really traveled a whole lot in my life, but I have always dreamt of seeing and experiencing far off places.

Everywhere I've ever traveled, I have thoroughly enjoyed though. Even when most would find it silly, I find it exciting!

I find the architecture in Louisville, KY beautiful...and yes, I think their buildings are tall.

I find the wide open spaces in Wyoming to be enchanting. It reminds me that God truly is an artist.

I find the lightning bugs in Nauvoo, Il. to be quite magical. And the history of that little place, rich.

There are so many places I want to see.

There are a few places that I have desperately desired to experience. Their allure is so great.

One such place, is New York City. Which I visited for the first time this spring.

I can't fully explain this connection, but it's there, it's strong, and it propels me towards it.

Without knowing everything about New York, all it took was one visit, (totally 5 days) to fall in love.

The moment I stepped onto the streets of New York I knew I would be tied to this place forever.

New York understood me, I understood New York. The rhythm, the pace, the utter beauty was intoxicating.

The more I saw, the more I loved.

New York is my dream.

I can be happy anywhere, but in New York, it would be pure bliss.

The longer I am away, the more I ache for it.

New York is so close to my heart, but it feels so far out of my reach most days. Some days I feel I'm close to grasping it, and then reality sets in...

....New York is 2,193.1 miles away. That's far.

...though, a distance I would be willing to cross, for my New York.

If I crossed that distance to New York, would it take me in?

New York is my dream, my far away...but cherished dream.

Happy Birthday to Me

The passing of a year happens so quietly.

At midnight... a year ends, most often without notice.

There is no fanfare, no shouts of joy, not even tears of sadness for the time passed. It passes and I am suddenly older.

Tonight, at midnight, a year will have officially passed. And I will be a year older. 27.

So many things have happened in those 27 years.

- I was born.

- I learned to walk.

- I cracked my head open.

- I learned to ride a bike.

- I started my education, a journey I am still (and will forever be) taking.

- I wrote my first poem.

- I played outside all day with my sisters.

- I made mudpies.

- I skinned my knees playing football at recess.

- I had my first crush.

- I cut my sister's hair...more than once

- I fought with my siblings.

- I learned to whistle.

- I developed a creative mind.

- I played Alice, in the school play, "Alice in Wonderland."

- I learned to play the cello, the bass and the piano.

- I experienced my first kiss.

- I experienced my first heartbreak.

- I went to my first day of high school.

- I went to my first sporting event.

- I went to prom.

- I fell in love.

- I learned to drive.

- I got my first job.

- I played in my first concert.

- I made great friends.

- I went to Mexico...I fell in love with Mexico.

- I lost everything I owned in a house fire.

- I graduated from high school.

- I fell in love again.

- I moved away from home.

- I stayed out way too late.

- I got engaged.

- I got married.

- I started college.

- I got pregnant.

- I had a baby.

- I found out my mom had cancer.

- I moved back home, to be with my mom.

- I watched my mom's body give out on her.

- I threw my baby's first birthday party.

- I held my mom's hand, as she passed away.

- I cried.

- I fought with my husband.

- I cried again.

- I felt lonely.

- I started a workout program with my sister.

- I planted a garden.

- I got pregnant again.

- I moved back to Utah.

- I had another baby.

- I laid tile in our condo.

- I had my little brother come live with me.

- I found out who my brother is.

- I stayed up late and talked with my brother, I laughed.

- I made stockings for my kids.

- I made Easter dresses.

- I sat on the floor and read my kids stories.

- I fell in love with photography.

- I got pregnant again, for the last time.

- I decided to go back to school.

- I went to family reunions.

- I gained more weight than I would ever want to.

- I started back at school.

- I fell in love with learning.

- I had my third baby in the middle of the semester.

- My dad remarried.

- I missed my mom.

- I pulled off straight A's.

- I was betrayed by the one I loved.

- I started writing for the school paper.

- I fell in love with writing, all over again.

- I dropped my brother off at the MTC.

- I became an assistant editor.

- I pulled off straight A's again.

- I turned 26.

- I moved out of my husband's bedroom.

- I felt invisible.

- I became news editor for the school paper.

- I dove into therapy.

- I made friends.

- I started the fall semester.

- I started a workout program, that actually worked.

- I went to Kentucky.

- I filed for divorce.

- I was divorced 9 days after filing.

- My heart was broken again.

- I felt lonely again.

- I started dating.

- I made stupid decisions.

- I kissed a boy.

- I moved into my own place, for the first time in my life.

- I smiled.

- I laughed.

- I started to feel like a human again.

- I lost 35 pounds.

- I applied to be Editor-in-chief of the school paper.

- I became Editor-in-chief of the school paper.

- I went to New York City.

- I experienced the greatest city on earth.

- I ate lunch in the New York Times cafeteria.

- I miss New York almost every day, since I got back.

- I fought with friends.

- I repaired friendships.

- I dated some more.

- I pulled off straight A's again...against all odds.

- I conceived a huge dream for the school paper.

- I saw my dear friend graduate from college.

- I fell in love again.

- I experienced four weeks of magic.

- I got my own office.

- I experienced heartbreak again.

- I made a great friend, that I hope to have for the rest of my life.

- I started an internship at a major newspaper in Utah, the Deseret News.

- I rode the bus for the first time, in ten years.

- I went to sleep on the eve of my birthday.

- I will turn 27, tomorrow.

- I will accomplish greatness.

- I will be ... I am ... incredibly happy, with all I have done, and all I will do.

Happy Birthday Andrea.

Such a funny place

The world is such a funny place. I chuckle to myself as I write that. I truly believe it, and I say it without bitterness or scoffing.

I don't think I will ever be able to make much sense of this world, and that's why I find it a funny place.

I have to say it's funny, I have to believe that, and I have to laugh to myself. That's the only way to survive this funny place, is to laugh, to laugh out loud, and even from time to time to laugh so hard you cry. (or snort)

I'm not sure where I got this from, probably my mom, but I have to keep laughing, I have to keep joking, I have to find the humor in it all, or it will consume me.

Humor has become my lifeline, my ladder out of the muck.

I lost it for a day, well, maybe for 12 hours, but I snatched it back. Humor is my magic pill, my light in all this darkness. It helps me make sense of this funny place...well, maybe not...but it helps me laugh back at (or with) the universe. And I'll just keep that up...and maybe one day, I'll have the last laugh.

....but if not, at least I'll still get to laugh.


-- Post From My iPhone

The end of that chapter, the start of a new

I hate when things have to change. Especially things that are going so well. It's rotten.

Sometimes I think....such a cruel joke, universe, you are so unkind.

A taste of bliss, a morsel, now gone, well... not gone, just different. And change is hard. But I wish him blissful happiness, because he deserves it, he deserves nothing less. He is the epitome of a good human being, of kindness, of greatness. Of such utter goodness. He deserves everything good.

And I want him to have all the happiness in the world, because he deserves joy, perfect, beautiful, amazing joy!

I do not carry a single negative memory of our time together, for me, it was magic. You gave me magic. You good, dear soul.

Though it's different, I hope to always be able to laugh with you. My friend.

False Impressions

I certainly wouldn't want to give the idea that being divorced is a great thing. Frankly... it sucks. It's incredibly lonely.

You spend years, always having someone by your side. (Even if they're not there emotionally, they are there physically-sorta... basically there is a person you've got claim on, and they've got claim on you.) You have a person. Then you're divorced and you don't have a person anymore.

You're thrust into a world that you haven't been in for years and guess what? All the rules have changed since you last played the game.

It sucks.

And the minute you open your heart up (even a tiny bit) in hopes of finding a new person... it can get crushed. Trust me, this is how it works. It must be part of the new rule book or something.

So then you have to decide... take the chance that your heart will get crushed... or be incredibly lonely... both are awful. Both agonizingly painful.

But...keep in mind, if you don't take that chance, your chance of finding that special person go way down. It's risky. But one day, it will pay off. That's the hope anyway.