Orchids

I think orchids = true love.

That's all.

Walking the tightrope

Sometimes I feel like my life is a circus, and I'm the one on the tightrope.

My ground below isn't sure, or steady.

And while the crazy music and laughing clowns swirl around me in a dizzying craze, I falter on the rope.

If only this were just a rehearsal, a practice run. If only the blaring lights weren't shedding their blinding and unforgivable shine on me.

But it's showtime, and I'm not ready. I don't really know what I'm doing.

When will the man on the flying trapeze swoop in and save me from certain death?

....he never will. He shouldn't anyway. I have to learn to master this art on my own.

The art of living, loving, overcoming.

Maybe I just need a safety net, in case I fall.

Numb thoughts

The music pounds.

It is my heartbeat.

The crescendo rises,

Just as my ache does.

Numb.

Numb.

Numb.

Stop the music,

Stop the pain.

Without the pain,

You didn't exist.

It's all in my head,

In my heart,

In the music.

It pounds.

My heart beats,

Numb.

Numb.

Numb.

The facts

Here are some cold, hard (and not so hard) facts about me...

I am terribly lonely.

I miss my kids whenever they are not with me.

I like pink, like a lot.

I judge people who don't have an iPhone.

I don't like people screwing with my systems.

I believe in magic.

I think I'm a difficult person to love.

But I also think I'm worth loving.

I hate crawling into my empty bed, alone, each night.

I am afraid of finding great love.

I'm afraid of not finding great love.

A change

Change is good.

Most of the time.

The summer has felt weird, uncomfortable.

I've grown a lot, I think (hence the discomfort), but it's just felt sort of surreal to me.

All summer I kept thinking, I'll wake from this dream state soon...right?

Well it's August and I'm still in this dream sequence.

It hasn't been a bad summer, I've done some really great things.

It has just felt weird.

Maybe this is all part of the adjustment, I don't know. I hope so. I hope I can settle in soon enough.

But I have felt the urge, near need for a change. And while much will be changing in a few weeks as school starts, I needed something now.

Of course I wanted something more grand, you know, like landing the perfect high paying job, falling into a ridiculously romantic relationship, buying a house, getting a cat, things like that.

But in leu of a grandeur, I will settle for a change in my hair.

It will have to hold me over, until I can grasp the great, the grand, the spectacular changes I desire.

Challenges and blessings

You say each day is a challenge and a blessing.

I always pray your blessings are greater than your challenges.

If you ever need a friendly ear, or shoulder to lean on, I'm here.

I miss the way things used to be.

But I always hope for your happiness, above all.

Taking risks

The first title I had for this post was "Being alone." But I decided "Taking risks," was more appropriate.

Being alone isn't easy.

And often, in order to avoid being alone, it involves risks...big risks.

What's worse?

Being alone or taking risks?

I suppose taking risks aren't bad in the general sense, but taking the kinds of risks that keep us from being alone are very scary.

I always think, I don't want to be alone...but then I think, if I am with someone, or wanting to be with someone, I have to open myself up to them. And what if that scares them away? What if they think I'm not enough, or I'm too much?

That's the biggest risk.

And how do you know when to take that risk? When is worth it? How much do you open up? How much do you drop your guard?

For someone who doesn't gamble, love, not being alone, is a huge gamble...a huge risk.