I slept with socks on last night, and that helped. But most nights I have cold toes.
It's a daunting task to heat a whole bed by oneself.
The final product is usually just cold toes.
Freezing cold toes.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Letters to Teresa
Last summer, as part of my therapy, I started writing letters to my mom, Teresa. Yes, I do realize she is dead, but I needed to address them to someone, so I could write down what I was feeling, what I was experiencing, and in a way say it TO someone.
There are somewhere around 27ish letters to her over the summer, on a private blog. And today, I was bored. And I was also thinking about my last session of therapy, that will be happening this week. So I wanted to go back, and get a feel for the place I was in a year ago.
It was hard to read.
That place has become a sort of vague memory. Yet, as I read, I could remember feeling that way.
And also as I read, I felt so relieved. I can honestly say I'm not in that place any more. My life is so much brighter, fuller, happier.
I think about all the hard work I did to get here. And therapy was a huge part of it. So it saddens me to be ending such a great thing. But, I am so happy with how far I've come. It feels like a million miles, and maybe it was.
I have thought about opening that blog, or publishing a few letters here, what are your thoughts? Do you think it's too personal? Or would it be useful in anyway?
I want to hear your opinion, my dear friends.
-- Post From My iPhone
There are somewhere around 27ish letters to her over the summer, on a private blog. And today, I was bored. And I was also thinking about my last session of therapy, that will be happening this week. So I wanted to go back, and get a feel for the place I was in a year ago.
It was hard to read.
That place has become a sort of vague memory. Yet, as I read, I could remember feeling that way.
And also as I read, I felt so relieved. I can honestly say I'm not in that place any more. My life is so much brighter, fuller, happier.
I think about all the hard work I did to get here. And therapy was a huge part of it. So it saddens me to be ending such a great thing. But, I am so happy with how far I've come. It feels like a million miles, and maybe it was.
I have thought about opening that blog, or publishing a few letters here, what are your thoughts? Do you think it's too personal? Or would it be useful in anyway?
I want to hear your opinion, my dear friends.
-- Post From My iPhone
Monday, June 6, 2011
Witness
She's brilliant, lovely, creative, funny.
She loves to read, loves to sing. Loves to write and laugh.
But what if no one sees it?
What if there is no one, when she takes her last breath, who can say, "I witnessed her life. I saw her existence."
Not everyone will want to be famous or well known. But I believe everyone wants to leave a mark of sorts. Something that says, "Andrea (or whatever your name is) was here."
I think we all want someone to witness our lives, we want the universe to acknowledge that we lived.
The trick, is finding that person (or persons) to witness your existence. The person who will experience with you, the person who you will share moments with. And the person who you will tell your stories to.
And as a favorite song of mine says, "but these stories don't mean anything, if you've got no one, to tell them to."
If there is no witness to your life, what does your life mean?
She loves to read, loves to sing. Loves to write and laugh.
But what if no one sees it?
What if there is no one, when she takes her last breath, who can say, "I witnessed her life. I saw her existence."
Not everyone will want to be famous or well known. But I believe everyone wants to leave a mark of sorts. Something that says, "Andrea (or whatever your name is) was here."
I think we all want someone to witness our lives, we want the universe to acknowledge that we lived.
The trick, is finding that person (or persons) to witness your existence. The person who will experience with you, the person who you will share moments with. And the person who you will tell your stories to.
And as a favorite song of mine says, "but these stories don't mean anything, if you've got no one, to tell them to."
If there is no witness to your life, what does your life mean?
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The Scarlet Letter D
Yesterday, I was officially divorced for 8 months. It's a bit of a strange thought. But here I am, nonetheless.
In those 8 long (and short) months I've learned a lot. I've learned a lot about myself and about the people around me. I've learned what I'm capable of. I've found some amazing strength that at times, blows me away. I've discovered the pure kindness and caring of others, BUT I've also been reminded of how cruel people can be.
Walking around with a crimson D across my heart, seared there through years of heartache, can feel like dragging a dead donkey through the desert sand. Trudging. Every step sucks me into the earth. Buried.
The neon sign seems to alert all I see. It warns them that I have lost value because of the Letter. It reminds on-lookers that I shouldn't be looked at, I should be invisible, because I'm not fit for their company.
I wish people understood.
But they don't. I have learned to love myself DESPITE all that. I've learned to deflect the negativity. My worn, tired skin has thickened in the hot desert sun and sand.
And I am learning how to embrace my brand.
What the Scarlet Letter D, for Divorcee, really is saying, is... I survived. My withered and dying soul had enough strength to walk away and revive itself. And I didn't allow myself to be swallowed up and vanish completely.
The D says I am STRONG.
So don't mistake a D for weakness, stupidity or worthlessness. Because let me assure you, you have no idea.
In those 8 long (and short) months I've learned a lot. I've learned a lot about myself and about the people around me. I've learned what I'm capable of. I've found some amazing strength that at times, blows me away. I've discovered the pure kindness and caring of others, BUT I've also been reminded of how cruel people can be.
Walking around with a crimson D across my heart, seared there through years of heartache, can feel like dragging a dead donkey through the desert sand. Trudging. Every step sucks me into the earth. Buried.
The neon sign seems to alert all I see. It warns them that I have lost value because of the Letter. It reminds on-lookers that I shouldn't be looked at, I should be invisible, because I'm not fit for their company.
I wish people understood.
But they don't. I have learned to love myself DESPITE all that. I've learned to deflect the negativity. My worn, tired skin has thickened in the hot desert sun and sand.
And I am learning how to embrace my brand.
What the Scarlet Letter D, for Divorcee, really is saying, is... I survived. My withered and dying soul had enough strength to walk away and revive itself. And I didn't allow myself to be swallowed up and vanish completely.
The D says I am STRONG.
So don't mistake a D for weakness, stupidity or worthlessness. Because let me assure you, you have no idea.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
The Grand Gesture
Movies are so wonderful. They make us feel happy, sad. They make laugh and they make us cry. They pull at our heart string and make us believe in soul mates and forever love.
Movies have mastered the power of emotion.
Tricky little
The story is always the same though. Girl meets boy. Girl falls for boy. Boy falls for girl. There's an insurmountable conflict. Then....my favorite part,
the grand gesture.
Whose heart doesn't skip a beat then? Who's heart doesn't sigh a little? It's a beautiful thing.
The grand gesture, the cure all, the final step before happy ever after.
But does it happen in real life? Oh sure, everyone would like to believe it, hope for it even.
Who wouldn't want someone to travel across the country in the middle of the night, or overcome a fear of heights to reach you? Who wouldn't want someone to come to their senses and in a grand moment, while you're holding a cat in a filthy ally way in New York City in the pouring rain, kiss you passionately and tell you all the things you've always longed to hear?
Who wouldn't?
But.
Movies have mastered the power of emotion.
Tricky little
The story is always the same though. Girl meets boy. Girl falls for boy. Boy falls for girl. There's an insurmountable conflict. Then....my favorite
the grand gesture.
Whose heart doesn't skip a beat then? Who's heart doesn't sigh a little? It's a beautiful thing.
The grand gesture, the cure all, the final step before happy ever after.
But does it happen in real life? Oh sure, everyone would like to believe it, hope for it even.
Who wouldn't want someone to travel across the country in the middle of the night, or overcome a fear of heights to reach you? Who wouldn't want someone to come to their senses and in a grand moment, while you're holding a cat in a filthy ally way in New York City in the pouring rain, kiss you passionately and tell you all the things you've always longed to hear?
Who wouldn't?
But.
A place of light
We're all wanderers.
When it comes down to it, that's all we are.
Whether we are literally wandering, by walking from one place to another, which we do everyday, or our souls are wandering....searching.
It's as if our hearts are guiding us at times. We seek to be complete. We are looking for a place of light.
After days of rain, we ache to sit in the sun, the warm light.
We often think about finding a way to carry that warm light with us everywhere. The task seems so daunting at times, so impossible. Life seems so unbearably hard at times.
But with every hard second and every hard minute, we stretch, we grow. Stronger. Taller. Closer to that warm light. Closer to a place where we can keep it.
And, for brief moments we touch it. We sit in it. We bask in it. Like a sponge we soak up the warmth like a starving animal devours its food.
Then it's hard again.
But, always in our minds, is that moment. The moment of warmth. Light.
So we keep moving forward.
Because we know that one day we'll stumble upon a meadow full of light. And we will sit. And the light will be ours, to keep. Forever.
And all the icy cold heartache will melt in the sun.
And we will be complete.
No longer wanderers.
When it comes down to it, that's all we are.
Whether we are literally wandering, by walking from one place to another, which we do everyday, or our souls are wandering....searching.
It's as if our hearts are guiding us at times. We seek to be complete. We are looking for a place of light.
After days of rain, we ache to sit in the sun, the warm light.
We often think about finding a way to carry that warm light with us everywhere. The task seems so daunting at times, so impossible. Life seems so unbearably hard at times.
But with every hard second and every hard minute, we stretch, we grow. Stronger. Taller. Closer to that warm light. Closer to a place where we can keep it.
And, for brief moments we touch it. We sit in it. We bask in it. Like a sponge we soak up the warmth like a starving animal devours its food.
Then it's hard again.
But, always in our minds, is that moment. The moment of warmth. Light.
So we keep moving forward.
Because we know that one day we'll stumble upon a meadow full of light. And we will sit. And the light will be ours, to keep. Forever.
And all the icy cold heartache will melt in the sun.
And we will be complete.
No longer wanderers.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Phone snob
I love technology.
It's always so exciting to see the new things that come out.
One of my favorite technological devises is the iPhone.
It does so many cool things!
I have actually gotten to the point where I sort of look down on people who have a lesser device. Like an android or blackberry.
I'm a bit of a phone snob.
It's always so exciting to see the new things that come out.
One of my favorite technological devises is the iPhone.
It does so many cool things!
I have actually gotten to the point where I sort of look down on people who have a lesser device. Like an android or blackberry.
I'm a bit of a phone snob.
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