Love is a choice

We are flawed.

That's just how it is.

But, minus a few exceptions, I believe we are good, to the core.

When it comes to love, a good match is essential.

And not everyone is a good match. And that's okay.

But when two people find "a good match" in each other, they are then faced with a choice....to love or to not.

Love is a choice.

And without making that choice, even the best paired couples will never make it. The flaws, that we all have, whether great or small will inevitably become too much, insurmountable.

But, when we choose to love, with all we have, that's it. That's all that matters. Flaws, habits, pasts, quirks don't matter, they become tiny hills, even mounds, that we walk over hand in hand.

There will always be a reason not love, if we're looking.

But I believe there will always be a million reasons TO love, if we're looking, if we choose to look and choose to love.

Love is a choice.


-- Post From My iPhone

Enough

Sometimes you're never enough.


-- Post From My iPhone

Things are different than they are

Some days are weird.

I've been divorced officially for a year today.

That's weird.

A year ago my life was different.

But, yesterday my life was different too.

Some days I wonder when my life will be the same. But really, I don't think that will ever be the case.

The power comes in knowing, and accepting that change will be the only constant.

Because if I know that life will always be changing, then I can always be ready to embrace it.

Today, I embrace the change that happened one year ago. No my life isn't any easier than it was then, in many ways it's harder.

But.

The change is good.

I've grown.

And in another year, my life will be very different than it is today.

So I will ride the wave of change, and I will do my darndest to enjoy that ride.

Because this is a ride no one can get off of, not even death will give you a break.

Rubber underwear

Some days just make me feel like I'm wearing rubber underwear, weird, uncomfortable.

I don't like it when that happens.

I just want someone to come along and take it away, every last pair of rubber undies I have.

In all seriousness...today was strange.

I haven't been able to determine exactly why, but I've run through some possibilities:

The weather drastically changed today, out of no where it seemed. And in that changing weather, I seem to have missed my favorite season, fall, and all it's magical wonderment.

Also, could be that Steve Jobs died yesterday. Now, I'm not saying I will be missing having Sunday dinners at his house, we weren't close, but I respect the man for his genius (of which I am using one of his fantastic devices to blog from) and vision. The other thing, is that he died, of pancreatic cancer at the young age of 56. My died if the same cancer at 51. Thinking about that makes me miss my mom. I wish she were here, I have a lot of bones to pick with her, and mostly I want, well, need to bask in her wisdom for a spell.

Missing my mom always makes me homesick, for a home that doesn't exist anymore.

So, I am lying alone, in my cold room, missing my mom, homesick for any kind of feeling of home, and just feeling weird today.

I hope my dream catcher over my bed works over time tonight. Or I just hope to wake up in regular underwear, hopefully the rubber will have melted away.

Hopefully.


-- Post From My iPhone

Opinions change...maybe

So, for a good while I have seen myself as "not the relationship type."

Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking, she's divorced, she's got baggage, blah blah blah. But it's more than that.

I think it came down to the fact that I'm difficult. And in being difficult, men just didn't want to deal with me. I get that.

But then, what happens when I meet a fella who wants to put up with my crap, for longer than a couple dates...well, I don't know, but from what I can tell, so far, it's just all around awesome.

I'll be honest, I feel guilt sometimes, I mean, I am just trouble and he just loves me despite that. It's a strange feeling, you know, to be loved and wanted, when for so long you've been told you weren't worth the effort.

It's strange, sometimes unnerving. But really, it's just great.

So, I may be the relationship type, maybe. But I really just think it comes down to finding a good match, I think that can make a "relationship type" out of most of us...finding a good fit.

And as I see it, I found a good fit.

-- Post From My iPhone

Mountains of laundry, knock-knock jokes, and making memories AKA...being a parent

After working a long night shift in Salt Lake, and traveling home, the thought of crawling into my warm bed was more than thrilling.

I unlocked my door and was immediately bombarded by the smells of my home. After tripping over a few shirts strewn about the room, and a stray toy or two on the stairs, the smells began to intensify.

It smelt like sweat and dirty laundry.

Once at the top of the stairs I was reminded of the many things, including a mountain of laundry, that still needed to be done.

This never ending list only seems to grow with each passing hour.

As the list stretches, so do I. Almost thin.

The responsibilities of caring for three small children, alone, are not easy.

The loneliness and helplessness associated with it, I would not wish on anyone.

But those mornings, when I wake up with a little person by my side, or hear a knock-knock joke told without a punch line, or when I see the excitement of a first ever roller coaster ride, the loneliness, helplessness, ache and stress melt away, if even for a moment.

And all the hard work, the late hours, the tackling of laundry mountains become worth those little moments.

I only wish work and school didn't pull me away, so I could have those moments, all day, everyday.

I often feel like I'm cheating my children.

But I have also (finally) learned that it is more important for me to make those wonderful memories during the time I do get with them, instead of squandering it away pining for more.

No parent single or divorced, short or tall, fat or skinny, parents correctly all the time. It's a daunting task, to parent (with no manual, by the way). You're always second guessing, always regretting, always wishing for a second chance.

But, if at the end of the day, you love your children, and they know it (and this should go without saying...but you don't abuse them in any fashion) and you are constantly trying to be better, then you are a successful parent.

And for many of us, that's all we want.



-- Post From My iPhone

The lone wolf

Do you ever feel like a wild wolf, running through the chaos of a heavily wooded forest?

Branches seem to reach out and tug at your corse fur, anxious to slow your progression.

You glide through the mud, trying to escape.

Rocks seem to jut out and attack, as you pant breathlessly, running, running, running.

Always running.

But never with a pack.

Your path is not the packs, but because it is yours, you run it.

Alone.

You run.

Through the chaos.

Maybe someday your path will connect. Connect with a pack that runs just like you.

If you do, if you don't, you will always be running. Either way, it is who you are. A runner. In the chaos, from the chaos. Running.


-- Post From My iPhone