Giving up your heart

"I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart..."

I heard those words in a song the other day. How true that is.

What is it about giving up our heart that is so hard?

Well, for those who have given up their heart before, and had it crushed, usually the thought of giving up their heart again is more terrifying than death.

I guess I can't speak for anyone else, but myself.

Sometimes I feel like I sit on the fence when it comes to love. Straddling, I have one foot on the side of giving up my heart, and one foot on the other side, ready to run away.

Why do we, why do I, do this to myself?

Maybe the better question is, why would anyone hurt someone to the extent that they feel the need to straddle?

Why do we damage each other's hearts?

If we feel we can't properly care for another's heart, why not, instead of causing irreparable damage, simply say what is? "I care for you enough to walk away, I can't care for you, the way you need."

Why are people so cruel?

I hate straddling. I hate being hurt.

Why is this fear of hurt so monumental?

I don't know.

I just know it "ain't easy, giving up your heart..."

It ain't easy for me to give up my heart.

But everyday that I find myself on the fence, I just have to push myself to other side.

The side where I trust.

The side where I open up.

The side where I give up my heart.

It ain't easy.

Giving up my heart.

But I try, every day.

I hope you know that.

Can't shake it

Sometimes you just feel like crap. And you can't shake it.

It's not that you're sick or anything like that.

It's just this thing that seems to be sitting on your shoulders, weighing you down.

And what's worse, is often times you just can't place it.

Where did this feeling come from?

If only you knew, then you could tell it to get the hell out and go back to where it came from.

But you can't put your finger on it.

So it sits, crushing your shoulders, like a mischievous imp, laughing at the fact that it has conquered you. (For now anyway.)

Maybe it's just the time of year? Maybe it's the holidays? Maybe it's missing my mom? Maybe it's dealing with an ex who just won't see reason? Who knows?

But it's there, and for whatever reason, it wants to stay.

I suppose if I can't place it, I can at least let it be. Pretending that I'm not feeling what I am feeling has never really worked.

So I can say, yes, this is how I am feeling, I don't know why, but it's there all the same. So I'll invite it in, let it walk around in my head for a time, rather than fight it. And then because it doesn't have to fight, maybe it will just walk on out.

Path of least resistance.

Hopefully that will work.

Love is a choice

We are flawed.

That's just how it is.

But, minus a few exceptions, I believe we are good, to the core.

When it comes to love, a good match is essential.

And not everyone is a good match. And that's okay.

But when two people find "a good match" in each other, they are then faced with a choice....to love or to not.

Love is a choice.

And without making that choice, even the best paired couples will never make it. The flaws, that we all have, whether great or small will inevitably become too much, insurmountable.

But, when we choose to love, with all we have, that's it. That's all that matters. Flaws, habits, pasts, quirks don't matter, they become tiny hills, even mounds, that we walk over hand in hand.

There will always be a reason not love, if we're looking.

But I believe there will always be a million reasons TO love, if we're looking, if we choose to look and choose to love.

Love is a choice.


-- Post From My iPhone

Enough

Sometimes you're never enough.


-- Post From My iPhone

Things are different than they are

Some days are weird.

I've been divorced officially for a year today.

That's weird.

A year ago my life was different.

But, yesterday my life was different too.

Some days I wonder when my life will be the same. But really, I don't think that will ever be the case.

The power comes in knowing, and accepting that change will be the only constant.

Because if I know that life will always be changing, then I can always be ready to embrace it.

Today, I embrace the change that happened one year ago. No my life isn't any easier than it was then, in many ways it's harder.

But.

The change is good.

I've grown.

And in another year, my life will be very different than it is today.

So I will ride the wave of change, and I will do my darndest to enjoy that ride.

Because this is a ride no one can get off of, not even death will give you a break.

Rubber underwear

Some days just make me feel like I'm wearing rubber underwear, weird, uncomfortable.

I don't like it when that happens.

I just want someone to come along and take it away, every last pair of rubber undies I have.

In all seriousness...today was strange.

I haven't been able to determine exactly why, but I've run through some possibilities:

The weather drastically changed today, out of no where it seemed. And in that changing weather, I seem to have missed my favorite season, fall, and all it's magical wonderment.

Also, could be that Steve Jobs died yesterday. Now, I'm not saying I will be missing having Sunday dinners at his house, we weren't close, but I respect the man for his genius (of which I am using one of his fantastic devices to blog from) and vision. The other thing, is that he died, of pancreatic cancer at the young age of 56. My died if the same cancer at 51. Thinking about that makes me miss my mom. I wish she were here, I have a lot of bones to pick with her, and mostly I want, well, need to bask in her wisdom for a spell.

Missing my mom always makes me homesick, for a home that doesn't exist anymore.

So, I am lying alone, in my cold room, missing my mom, homesick for any kind of feeling of home, and just feeling weird today.

I hope my dream catcher over my bed works over time tonight. Or I just hope to wake up in regular underwear, hopefully the rubber will have melted away.

Hopefully.


-- Post From My iPhone

Opinions change...maybe

So, for a good while I have seen myself as "not the relationship type."

Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking, she's divorced, she's got baggage, blah blah blah. But it's more than that.

I think it came down to the fact that I'm difficult. And in being difficult, men just didn't want to deal with me. I get that.

But then, what happens when I meet a fella who wants to put up with my crap, for longer than a couple dates...well, I don't know, but from what I can tell, so far, it's just all around awesome.

I'll be honest, I feel guilt sometimes, I mean, I am just trouble and he just loves me despite that. It's a strange feeling, you know, to be loved and wanted, when for so long you've been told you weren't worth the effort.

It's strange, sometimes unnerving. But really, it's just great.

So, I may be the relationship type, maybe. But I really just think it comes down to finding a good match, I think that can make a "relationship type" out of most of us...finding a good fit.

And as I see it, I found a good fit.

-- Post From My iPhone