The perfect last bite

When I eat a meal I do so in a very particular order. If I've never had the dish before, I will go around the plate and try each food. Then I will start with the least tasty food and work my way to the most tasty.

I do this so that my last bite is the best one of the meal. I want to end it on a good note.

As I was doing this at lunch today, I started to think about it, and how I should be doing this with everything in my life.

I should try new things, for sure! Then decide what I like best, and work my way up to it. And I should end everything with that perfect bite. (no, not in a vampiric way) But in the sense that I am ending things on a good note.

I think that's something I can live with. A way of live that will produce few regrets.

Light bulb

I love it when you have those moments of clarity and things come together in your mind and just make sense.

It's a wonderful feeling. It feels like the sun after days of rain!

So here I sit, in the toasty sun, enjoying the clear day and my clear mind.

What I wish I could say...

I miss you.

And I'm sad I can't talk to you.

I think about you often.

Sometimes I laugh to myself when I think of a joke we shared.

I wish I could have said goodbye.

I miss you.

Polished turds

We all have vices, and while some of us are better at pretending we don't have them, or try to shine them up and make them look pretty, it doesn't change what they are.

You can polish up a turd, but at the end of the day, it's still a turd. It's the same for vices.

These vices or weaknesses can vary from person to person, and some of us have similar ones. Some are blatantly obvious, and others hide in the dark corners.

What would it be like if we all had to carry a sign, listing our three biggest weaknesses? Would we still judge others so harshly, when we know they can see our faults as well? Would we still try to polish them up?

Or, would we extend a hand of friendship and understanding? Would we seek the help of our friends and neighbors in overcoming our own weaknesses?

Would we, at the end of the day, be able to look each other in the eye, look past our faults, and see one another for who we are?

And in doing so, would we all not be so alone. I think so.

One of the worst side effects of polishing turds is you will just get poo all over you and stink. And the stench will create a distance between you and everyone else...and then you'll be alone.

So don't polish your turds. Okay? Okay.

Fear of failure

What would you do if you could not fail?

This is a question that I heard a while back. And for some reason, after hearing it, it really got me thinking.

For too long I had allowed the fear of failure keep me from success. When I heard this question I began thinking of all the things I wanted to do, if failure weren't an option.

And then...I started thinking, "what if I just did try all those things, even if failure was an option?"

So I did.

I started trying things I had once feared failing.

And I did fail at some, a lot even. But I also succeeded, a lot. With each success, trying something new became easier and easier. And failure hurt less.

Though I don't think failure will ever not hurt in some way, success has become so sweet that it's worth the risk.

Risks are still very scary. Thinking about possible negative outcomes can really freak me out. But then I think about the possible positive outcomes. And from my experience, the outcome usually lands somewhere in the middle.

I have gotten to point where I can take calculated risks, and to a point where I almost feel compelled to.

And, I have also gotten to the point where risks pay off. Even the ones that end badly, there is something I can learn from the heartache.

What would you do if you couldn't fail?

Graduation

Last night was my baby brother's graduation from high school. I'm so proud of him! It's all a little crazy if I think about it much. I remember when the kid was born, which was actually 18 years ago today. (The day of my oldest brother's high school graduation actually.)

I don't know how typical graduations go, but the Blue Ridge High School graduations are pretty much the same, every year.

The kids walk, they do the national anthem and pledge, they sit, they do speeches, they do a senior video, then they give each kid their diploma, which usually followed by a big hoo-raw!

There are a couple things I want to address about this particular graduation...

The national anthem- now I am not going to say it couldn't have been the bad acoustics, but boy howdy, it sounded bad. It was sung by three or four girls, and probably three or four of them were off key. It was great.

When it came to the senior video, though incredibly cliche and predictable, I was pleased to find the classic Green Day song "I hope you had the time of your life," was played on the video.

It's the perfect "feel good" graduation song. The type of song that makes you nostalgic for the past and hopeful for the future.

If I remember correctly that song was on my senior video nine years ago.

I was very hopeful for the future the day of my graduation. I was happy and looking forward to making a new life.

I didn't end up with the life I had I planned or hoped for...right away. It took nine years to reach the level of happiness I had on that graduation day, again.

It was something unpredictable, but in the end, it turned out right...and I've had the time of my life.

There are lots of fish...

....but I don't date fish.






So don't tell me to.

New Lover(s)

So I chat with my gal pals a lot...like everyday. They're super cool gals and I feel so freakin' blessed to have them in my life, especially now.

....And no, I'm not coming out of the closet, don't tie the blog title to the first sentence, relax, just keep reading. (Or if you don't, you have to at least tell my dad that I'm a lesbian, I would love to see his reaction!)

But I'll get to the point so I don't give anyone a heart attack, in the many discussions I have had with my friends, I have decided that I need a (or more than one) new lover in my life. However, I'm not talking about your typical lover here.

Let me explain...

I think I have narrowed down a few lovers that I am highly interested in. One, we'll call him "Running," is super great! He's the kind of lover that will give back to me what I put into him. In fact just yesterday I had a running orgasm, thanks to my new lover. I get such a high when I spend time with "Running." And if I don't have time to see "Running" everyday, he doesn't get real upset with me, I mean yes I do have to work a little harder at first to get back into our regular rhythm, but he's generous, and remembers quickly how things should be between us.

Another lover I have my eye on is "Writing." "Writing" is a little more serious of a lover. He makes me think, but he also gives me all the room in the world to work through my thoughts and emotions. "Writing" is a tender lover. I've been seeing "Writing" a whole lot lately, a whole lot. We've gotten really comfortable with each other, to the point where I don't think we will be able to part, ever again. I know I would be completely devastated if "Writing" were ever to leave me, I would be crushed.

The final lover I will address here is "Exploration," but sometimes he just goes by "Curiosity." This lover is very spontaneous and fun, everything is new with him, and it's always exciting. I'll admit, "Exploration" and I have gotten ourselves into a little trouble from time to time, but it's always a good time. "Exploration" teaches me so much, sometimes I wish I could sit at his knee and soak in all he has to offer.

I don't know that I am ready to be monogamous though, so I will just jump back and forth, between these three lovers. I may even happen upon another lover along the way too, and I'm okay with adding a new lover to my rotation. You might think me a whore, and maybe I am, but I'm not going to let my lovers go, not now, when I need them so much.
So if you know of any additional lovers for me, send them my way!

The big game (plus a bunch of word vomit)

"Without you I'd be broken, but I'd rather be broken with you by my side." (Jack Johnson)

Wouldn't it be great to have someone just say that to you? (or sing it, that'd be fine too)

My mind has been racing a lot lately, thinking about so many things, about life, how it works, relationships, love and loss. (so I will apologize if this doesn't make sense- *reference the title of the blog)

Thank goodness for therapy, and for good friends- I've been able to pull a lot of it out of my brain and sort it out and now whatever is left, I'll sort out here.

Some of the conclusions that I have come to in my mind wandering may not work in a world like the one we inhabit. But just for the heck of it, let's just throw these ideas out there, and see what sticks.

1. I think people are incredibly dumb...and by dumb, I mean stupid (I include myself in this). By stupid, what I mean is, people get in the way of their OWN happiness! And why?! It's ridiculous!

2. People need people. - This is simple, yet complicated. People need a "their person." People need a somebody to call their own. And while people should learn to be capable human beings (on their own), at the end of the day, or in the thick of all the crap, people need to know they have someone there to back them up. Everyone needs someone who is willing to (and does) fight for them.

3. The game- (*reference blog title again) there is thing some people call the dating game. However, game implies fun...where is the fun in this savage sport of lies and trickery? I do not find it fun. (and maybe that's because I'm just exhausted right now) The other thing, in a game, there is a winner and a loser, so if it's a two person game...someone will always lose, and frankly I don't like those odds. I'd much rather play six hours of the board game risk, than go on six first dates. Risk requires a lot less strategy and skill.

4. I'll make this my last up chuck for today...this is related to the game. Why can't we live in a world where we can just be completely straight forward with each other. For example: you meet someone you like, they like you, so you tell each other, and then you be together. I just think, when it comes to love (or whatever kids are calling it these days) it's black and white. If you "love" someone, you love them, and you let everything else go. Obstacles are nothing if you've really got love. (*reference number 1) And here's the other thing, I think it's okay to admit you're scared, in fact I think it'd make things run so much smoother if people just said, "hey, I like you, I want to be with you, but I'm scared as hell. Help me not be afraid? Catch me, be my safety net." --- That's what we mean a lot of the time, but it's never what we say. It's my goal to get to the point where I can say that.

And my hope is that by saying that, I won't get in the way of my own happiness, and I will be with "my person," not playing "the game," curled up on the couch in each other's arms listening to Jack Johnson sing about how we feel, about how even if we were broken, everything would be better with our person by our side.

Love is like jello

Have you ever tried to grab jello with your bare hands?

I know, silly question, but humor me. If you haven't, just imagine it....quickly reaching for the squishy dessert, just to find it slip through your fingers.

That's what happens when you try to grab jello.

Love is the same way.

If you grasp at too quickly, too forcefully, you'll lose it. It will squeeze it's way out of your hands.

And then what are you left with? .... Sticky fingers.

Nobody wants that.

When it comes to love, you have to slowly, carefully, ever so gently scoop it up with a spoon and place it in your bowl, where it has a sure foundation, where it will be protected from being squished.

And then, when you're really ready, take a spoonful, and have a taste.

You'll enjoy it much better that way, than if you had tried to just grab it.

Double post day... Friends

I apologize for wearing you out with two blog posts, I recommend you space them out with 12 hours or so, I wouldn't want anyone to overdose on my account.

....12 hours later....

Let's get to it!

Today (rather, yesterday) was my good friend's birthday. As someone who is a sucker for big birthday fanfare, it's tough knowing what to do when a friend tells you birthdays aren't that big to them.

It's like someone saying they don't like chocolate or they don't like mushrooms on steak, it really stops you in your tracks, if you know what I mean.

I sucked it up. I didn't tell the waitress at the restaurant that they should come sing...I really wanted to though.

But after the night FULL of laughter had come to a close, I felt so good. It was good to just BE with my good friends. To be in their presence and enjoy their company.

At the end of the day, the fanfare wasn't necessary. The friendships, that I hope will last my lifetime and longer, were what mattered.

I am lucky to have such great friends in my life. Friends who have bolstered me up in times of sorrow, friends I have laughed with, cried with, shared adventures with!

It wasn't even my birthday, but I felt like I got a great gift!

The long road home

I am going to be going home next week, after a nearly two year absence. On the visit before that, it had also been about two years since I had gone home. So in the last 5 years I've visited around 3 times. (If I recollect correctly.)

Which makes me a "not so frequent customer."

And yes, I could say things like, "it's really far away" or "I've been really busy with school," and I wouldn't be lying.

But the truth is, if it weren't for weddings, graduations, and the like, I wouldn't have gone down at all.

When my mom died, the feeling of "home" left that small town I was born and raised in. It also left me.

I was under the assumption that the feeling of home could never be regained, and maybe it can't exist in the same way. But I am hopeful. I think home has come in a different form.

For the first time in many years, I am looking forward to visiting my home-town.

Why?

I believe it's because I have finally found a sense of home in myself.

I discovered that the feeling of home comes from me.

I am finally in a place where I am relatively comfortable in my own skin. And happy with the way my life is going, because I have finally taken control over my choices, and that accountability, while occasionally daunting, is also very empowering.

It also makes me feel "at home." I have finally come home....to myself. And for the first time, I am welcoming myself in.

And now that I carry that feeling with me, returning to a place laced with memories, which once triggered heartache and longing, doesn't seem so scary anymore. I can face them, and embrace them.

Now I can look at those memories and smile. I can sit in the swing where my mom once sat and think of her laughter. I can walk in the home where she took her last breathe, and think of her quiet, yet often mischievous grin.

And along with taking in the memories, I can also return to my childhood home, and FINALLY hold my head up high. Though in some sense I've never been so broken down, on the other hand, I have never been so okay, with me.

Sure, my life is a mess. But it's the beautiful mess I call home, finally. Finally I am home.

It's the end of the world....

....as we know it!

So, the rumor-mill tells me that the world is ending tomorrow, around 6 p.m. That doesn't give me as much time as I would like to finish my bucket list, but I suppose I'll have to do the best I can.

But in light of the impending doom, I started to think about how I would want to spend my last 17 hours.

Of course there are the obvious answers, I would want to be with my kids, my family, my friends, the ones I love.

But I'm curious, all that fuzzy, warm stuff aside, if the world does end tomorrow evening, what would be a crazy, exciting, spontaneous thing that you would want to do before the world goes down the crapper?

I think I would get a tattoo of a bird then go base jump off of the statue of liberty, buy a motorcycle and drive it across the Brooklyn bridge and eat creme brûlée.

Keep in mind laws are a little loose-ish in this "what if scenario." So, tell me, what crazy thing would you do?

I'm serious, I want to know!

All I ever needed to know, I learned from Zombies

This is for a friend...

All I know about zombies I have learned from Hollywood. Though some tales offer contradictory accounts of the little buggers, I have gathered the information and made my own conclusions.

And the conclusion is this, I think we should all have a more zombie-like attitude. Hold up! Let me explain...

Zombies are focused beings, they see the thing they desire, namely your juicy arms, and they go for it!

Also, zombies take their time. Sure, they may miss some opportunities along the way or get blown to smithereens due to their lack of speed, but if literature has taught me anything, it's that "slow and steady wins the race," and that pretty much sums up how zombies roll. So they definitely have that going for them. Little geniuses!

Though they do move slowly, they are quite the efficient and "green" little beings. They eat on the run (or slow walk), they don't waste time cooking their food, they choose all natural foods with no preservatives (like humans), they don't drive cars, and they recycle too (like a "no human left behind" project). They'll probably save the planet with their earth conscious and civically engaged mind-set.

Zombies also are not impressed by the prestige of people, like humans are. They'll eat a bum just as quickly as they would the president, they're not picky pants. They're just super easy going, and extend the opportunity to be eaten to every human out there, rich or poor, short or tall, famous or unknown. They are truly equal opportunity feeders.

So, I hope that you can all show a little more respect to these lovely creatures we call zombies. I think they have things more figured out than we thought, maybe even more than we do. And there's a lot we can learn from them.

Find the magic

Life is hard.

Plain and simple.

Yet, we are often told it should be enjoyed. People are meant to be happy.

That comes down to a few things, in my mind: a choice...well, and a choice.

We have the power to choose to be happy in the midst of the hell. Granted, it's not always the easiest choice to make, but don't think for a second that you don't have the power to do so.

You do!

I do!

....(we all scream for ice cream...oh wait, wrong thing, Whoops.)

One choice or endeavor that can lead to happiness, in my opinion, is to actively seek out the magic in everyday life. And I promise it's always there.

For example, have you ever stopped and watch a leaf slowly glide to the ground, or watch the ripples from rain drops spread across a puddle? Well, I recommend it. Both are quite magical.

Magic doesn't have to be big, it can be something small, anything that makes you smile, gives you pause, or leaves you in a awe for even just a brief moment.

Sometimes you have to slow down to see the magic whirling around you, and that's okay, in fact it's often good to slow down from time to time.

Today, I found magic and it's only 7:36 am.

Right now, I'm looking at the most beautiful, old red brick building. There's a staircase going up to the second floor on the outside of the building and a bright green tree springing up next to the stairs, and the rain is dribbling down on it.

---magic!---

I never dress for the weather...

....I dress for what I want the weather to be.




(The view from the bus stop.)


As I stood shivering in the rain waiting for the bus today, I thought to myself..."why didn't I have the sense to bring my sweater?"

But that thought lasted for about 20 seconds, then my mind started to wander. (It does that from time to time.)

I started thinking about "dress," and the significance behind it.

The way a person dresses can say a lot about them, in my opinion. In some cases, it can even reveal a person's very philosophy on life.

Well, I'm afraid my lack of weather-appropriate attire may be misinterpreted, so I'll just explain.

I wasn't dressed in shorter sleeves, open toed shoes and no sweater because I like to get drenched and freeze...nah.

Just as some people "dress for success," I dress for the weather I hope for.

I could wear boots, a scarf and carry an umbrella on a day like today...but my mind and heart are looking forward to summer.

Just as an aspiring photographer would take photos to build their portfolio (before) graduation, I'm just looking ahead, that's all.

And you know what? Every day that passes brings me one day closer to the thing I hope for, warm, sunny days.

Watermelon.

Swimming.

Hiking.

Yeah...summer....I'm ready for summer, and you can tell that just by looking at me.

What could I tell by looking at you?

It's a process

Have you ever heard that saying, "[it] is a journey, not a destination," or something along those lines. And replace "it" with whatever you prefer.

Well, I had to remind myself today that "life" and such is a journey or a process.

I have been searching for myself for a while now, and I had finally gotten to the point where I thought I had myself all figured out.

Which, I suppose in some sense I do have myself pretty well figured out, for the most part. But like everyone, I'm constantly changing (yes, most of the time those changes are small), but they are changes. And I need to constantly get to know myself again and again, that's where the process comes in.

When I remember this, it helps me not be so hard on myself. It helps me be more patient with myself.

It also helps me be more patient with those around me.

We are all in this journey, finding ourselves, finding each other, rediscovering ourselves and rediscovering those around us. One continual circle, one long process.

And if we can always remember that this is a process, a journey, not a destination then we can help each other along the way. Or at the very least, give each other the benefit of the doubt. Because this process, though it frequently yields great joy, can be quite painful at times.

You never know what part of the process someone may be in. So offer them a hand. If you can't do that, at least extend a kind word with whomever you meet. It could be the thing that pulls them through a rough patch.

Forsaking

Forsaking: the act of giving something up.

Learning to give something (anything) up can be an excruciating and arduous task.

I have come to the realization, however, the only way to move forward in anything, is by letting go.

Letting go will set you free.

It sounds nice doesn't it? Sounds like something that should be needle pointed on a pillow or put up on one of those cutesy wall placards.

It's easier said than done.

Forsaking, abandoning, deserting those things that we love is not an easy thing. Deciding what you will be forsaking always involves great risk, and often heartache.

However, just because you are forsaking something, and it's not easy, does not mean it won't be worth it in the end. Too often we second guess ourselves, and we just can't. We can (and should), however, allow ourselves time to mourn the loss of that thing we loved and are now parting with.

If we hold onto everything (good or bad) and never let go of anything, we begin to block ourselves off, we lose the space, the capacity to love new things, to take new things in, to move forward.

That is not to say we let go of everything, but we let go of things that hurt us, hold us back and keep us from happiness. For everyone, those things are different.

I once had the dream of the perfect family life. That is a dream (in the traditional sense) that I have had to let go.

I remember the day I realized this, I cried.

It was hard to give up this dream (a dream I loved, a dream I held close to my heart), but I knew that if I didn't let go of this dream, that it would hinder my ability to form a new dream.

Now that my new dream has been created, I am forced to assess the other parts of my life, and how they will either propel that dream forward, or kill it.

And then I must begin forsaking.

So if I seen glum at times, be patient with me, I am mourning the loss of old loves and dreams, in hopes of experiencing greater love and achieving my biggest dream.

The lost blog post (revised, of course)

Blog post lost... Sad day, a post from a couple days ago is now missing in cyberspace. Reward for anyone who finds it! (that would come in the form of hugs, but I'd definitely be willing to give 5 whole hugs for the safe return of that post).

I'll try to rehash it though. (Just keep in mind that the original is always better.)

I can honestly say that my philosophy in life has changed dramatically over the last year or so. That change in thought process is due to a few things: big life changes, therapy and introspection.

Big life changes have a way of knocking your feet out from under you. The important thing to remember is that even if a life change seems to be a negative one, it can push you in a positive direction. It all depends on how you look at things. It's important to search out the positive in every situation, and I promise you, you will be able to find at least one.

Therapy. I can honestly say that therapy saved my life. There is often such a stigma attached to therapy, but don't buy into that. Having a place where I could talk openly, sort through my problems and all without judgment created the opportunity for me to work towards healing.

Therapy lead to introspection, which was also an important part of working towards healing. The thing to remember with introspection, is you have to learn to be completely honest with yourself. You have to admit that you are capable where you are capable, and also be willing to admit when certain things are not worth your time.

It's hard to be honest with yourself. It can hurt sometimes. But another key to healing is to learn to trust yourself, and if you can't be honest with yourself, how can you trust yourself?

One last thing, being honest with yourself unlocks a great amount of power, power to change things for good. The moment you take ownership of your life, the good AND the bad, that gives you the power to change whatever you think needs to change.

Part of that ownership is realizing you can choose what you want out of life, how you will react to big changes, whether you will look inside yourself for honesty and power.

You can choose to be happy, to find the positive in all the muck. And that, is a great deal of power.

Heartache high tide

All of us experience heartache in one form or another, it's part of life.

Some days, on a low tide sort of day, managing that heartache can be relatively easy. And even on some heartache high tide days, it can be managed fairly effortlessly.

But then you have one of those days.

There you are on the beach, enjoying the beautiful sunset, when the high tide rolls in and over takes you.

There you are, flailing around like a cat in water, overwhelmed by the waves crashing down on you.

It's on days like this, that it would be nice to have someone, on higher ground, throw you a lifeline.

I think that's why people aren't meant to be alone. And why the buddy system is so great. (Especially around water.)

Each person needs a partner (a buddy). And between the two of them, they can keep each other from being taken under on those heartache high tide days.

It's just tricky when you find yourself without a buddy.

Rules

I'm super awkward.

I'll admit it.

I never know the right things to say, or how to say them. I have never understood the "rules."

Often times I end up shying away in the corner (that works well a lot of the time). Or in an effort to be honest and straight forward, I'm too blunt, too honest.

Ugh.

I wish I had a rule book for this kind of thing. Maybe I should write one...it would include entries like:

Interacting with your boss:
Talk about sports stuff, (oh wait, learn about sports first, then talk about it).

Addressing your father:
Call him "Pappy," "Old man," "Pa" or "Daddy."

Eating dinner at a fancy restaurant:
Don't lick your fingers, even if it's super good!

Expressing condolences:
Don't talk about your goldfish that died five years ago, you just gotta let that one go.

Responding to compliments:
"Are you sure?" isn't the best response, try something like, "Thanks, you're super rad!"

Interacting with the opposite sex:
....your search yielded no results....
....does not compute....
....error...
....

Yeah, so maybe I shouldn't write a book of rules.

But I wish we lived in a world where we could be completely honest with people. Honest about who we are, what we think, how we feel...how they make us feel.

Maybe it would make things more complicated if we didn't play these silly games...but then again, maybe it wouldn't.

Maybe if I could be straight with people, then this person would know that I'm sorry. That person would know how much I care for them. And that other person would understand why I'm so awkward. And this one person would see that I'm just trying to make them proud. And that one person would know that I just want to hang out with them, because I think they're the bees knees.

Wouldn't it be great, if things were more simple? I don't know, I'm just going to be hanging in my corner, while I think about it.

My New York

I haven't really traveled a whole lot in my life, but I have always dreamt of seeing and experiencing far off places.

Everywhere I've ever traveled, I have thoroughly enjoyed though. Even when most would find it silly, I find it exciting!

I find the architecture in Louisville, KY beautiful...and yes, I think their buildings are tall.

I find the wide open spaces in Wyoming to be enchanting. It reminds me that God truly is an artist.

I find the lightning bugs in Nauvoo, Il. to be quite magical. And the history of that little place, rich.

There are so many places I want to see.

There are a few places that I have desperately desired to experience. Their allure is so great.

One such place, is New York City. Which I visited for the first time this spring.

I can't fully explain this connection, but it's there, it's strong, and it propels me towards it.

Without knowing everything about New York, all it took was one visit, (totally 5 days) to fall in love.

The moment I stepped onto the streets of New York I knew I would be tied to this place forever.

New York understood me, I understood New York. The rhythm, the pace, the utter beauty was intoxicating.

The more I saw, the more I loved.

New York is my dream.

I can be happy anywhere, but in New York, it would be pure bliss.

The longer I am away, the more I ache for it.

New York is so close to my heart, but it feels so far out of my reach most days. Some days I feel I'm close to grasping it, and then reality sets in...

....New York is 2,193.1 miles away. That's far.

...though, a distance I would be willing to cross, for my New York.

If I crossed that distance to New York, would it take me in?

New York is my dream, my far away...but cherished dream.

Happy Birthday to Me

The passing of a year happens so quietly.

At midnight... a year ends, most often without notice.

There is no fanfare, no shouts of joy, not even tears of sadness for the time passed. It passes and I am suddenly older.

Tonight, at midnight, a year will have officially passed. And I will be a year older. 27.

So many things have happened in those 27 years.

- I was born.

- I learned to walk.

- I cracked my head open.

- I learned to ride a bike.

- I started my education, a journey I am still (and will forever be) taking.

- I wrote my first poem.

- I played outside all day with my sisters.

- I made mudpies.

- I skinned my knees playing football at recess.

- I had my first crush.

- I cut my sister's hair...more than once

- I fought with my siblings.

- I learned to whistle.

- I developed a creative mind.

- I played Alice, in the school play, "Alice in Wonderland."

- I learned to play the cello, the bass and the piano.

- I experienced my first kiss.

- I experienced my first heartbreak.

- I went to my first day of high school.

- I went to my first sporting event.

- I went to prom.

- I fell in love.

- I learned to drive.

- I got my first job.

- I played in my first concert.

- I made great friends.

- I went to Mexico...I fell in love with Mexico.

- I lost everything I owned in a house fire.

- I graduated from high school.

- I fell in love again.

- I moved away from home.

- I stayed out way too late.

- I got engaged.

- I got married.

- I started college.

- I got pregnant.

- I had a baby.

- I found out my mom had cancer.

- I moved back home, to be with my mom.

- I watched my mom's body give out on her.

- I threw my baby's first birthday party.

- I held my mom's hand, as she passed away.

- I cried.

- I fought with my husband.

- I cried again.

- I felt lonely.

- I started a workout program with my sister.

- I planted a garden.

- I got pregnant again.

- I moved back to Utah.

- I had another baby.

- I laid tile in our condo.

- I had my little brother come live with me.

- I found out who my brother is.

- I stayed up late and talked with my brother, I laughed.

- I made stockings for my kids.

- I made Easter dresses.

- I sat on the floor and read my kids stories.

- I fell in love with photography.

- I got pregnant again, for the last time.

- I decided to go back to school.

- I went to family reunions.

- I gained more weight than I would ever want to.

- I started back at school.

- I fell in love with learning.

- I had my third baby in the middle of the semester.

- My dad remarried.

- I missed my mom.

- I pulled off straight A's.

- I was betrayed by the one I loved.

- I started writing for the school paper.

- I fell in love with writing, all over again.

- I dropped my brother off at the MTC.

- I became an assistant editor.

- I pulled off straight A's again.

- I turned 26.

- I moved out of my husband's bedroom.

- I felt invisible.

- I became news editor for the school paper.

- I dove into therapy.

- I made friends.

- I started the fall semester.

- I started a workout program, that actually worked.

- I went to Kentucky.

- I filed for divorce.

- I was divorced 9 days after filing.

- My heart was broken again.

- I felt lonely again.

- I started dating.

- I made stupid decisions.

- I kissed a boy.

- I moved into my own place, for the first time in my life.

- I smiled.

- I laughed.

- I started to feel like a human again.

- I lost 35 pounds.

- I applied to be Editor-in-chief of the school paper.

- I became Editor-in-chief of the school paper.

- I went to New York City.

- I experienced the greatest city on earth.

- I ate lunch in the New York Times cafeteria.

- I miss New York almost every day, since I got back.

- I fought with friends.

- I repaired friendships.

- I dated some more.

- I pulled off straight A's again...against all odds.

- I conceived a huge dream for the school paper.

- I saw my dear friend graduate from college.

- I fell in love again.

- I experienced four weeks of magic.

- I got my own office.

- I experienced heartbreak again.

- I made a great friend, that I hope to have for the rest of my life.

- I started an internship at a major newspaper in Utah, the Deseret News.

- I rode the bus for the first time, in ten years.

- I went to sleep on the eve of my birthday.

- I will turn 27, tomorrow.

- I will accomplish greatness.

- I will be ... I am ... incredibly happy, with all I have done, and all I will do.

Happy Birthday Andrea.

Such a funny place

The world is such a funny place. I chuckle to myself as I write that. I truly believe it, and I say it without bitterness or scoffing.

I don't think I will ever be able to make much sense of this world, and that's why I find it a funny place.

I have to say it's funny, I have to believe that, and I have to laugh to myself. That's the only way to survive this funny place, is to laugh, to laugh out loud, and even from time to time to laugh so hard you cry. (or snort)

I'm not sure where I got this from, probably my mom, but I have to keep laughing, I have to keep joking, I have to find the humor in it all, or it will consume me.

Humor has become my lifeline, my ladder out of the muck.

I lost it for a day, well, maybe for 12 hours, but I snatched it back. Humor is my magic pill, my light in all this darkness. It helps me make sense of this funny place...well, maybe not...but it helps me laugh back at (or with) the universe. And I'll just keep that up...and maybe one day, I'll have the last laugh.

....but if not, at least I'll still get to laugh.


-- Post From My iPhone

The end of that chapter, the start of a new

I hate when things have to change. Especially things that are going so well. It's rotten.

Sometimes I think....such a cruel joke, universe, you are so unkind.

A taste of bliss, a morsel, now gone, well... not gone, just different. And change is hard. But I wish him blissful happiness, because he deserves it, he deserves nothing less. He is the epitome of a good human being, of kindness, of greatness. Of such utter goodness. He deserves everything good.

And I want him to have all the happiness in the world, because he deserves joy, perfect, beautiful, amazing joy!

I do not carry a single negative memory of our time together, for me, it was magic. You gave me magic. You good, dear soul.

Though it's different, I hope to always be able to laugh with you. My friend.

False Impressions

I certainly wouldn't want to give the idea that being divorced is a great thing. Frankly... it sucks. It's incredibly lonely.

You spend years, always having someone by your side. (Even if they're not there emotionally, they are there physically-sorta... basically there is a person you've got claim on, and they've got claim on you.) You have a person. Then you're divorced and you don't have a person anymore.

You're thrust into a world that you haven't been in for years and guess what? All the rules have changed since you last played the game.

It sucks.

And the minute you open your heart up (even a tiny bit) in hopes of finding a new person... it can get crushed. Trust me, this is how it works. It must be part of the new rule book or something.

So then you have to decide... take the chance that your heart will get crushed... or be incredibly lonely... both are awful. Both agonizingly painful.

But...keep in mind, if you don't take that chance, your chance of finding that special person go way down. It's risky. But one day, it will pay off. That's the hope anyway.