The long road home

I am going to be going home next week, after a nearly two year absence. On the visit before that, it had also been about two years since I had gone home. So in the last 5 years I've visited around 3 times. (If I recollect correctly.)

Which makes me a "not so frequent customer."

And yes, I could say things like, "it's really far away" or "I've been really busy with school," and I wouldn't be lying.

But the truth is, if it weren't for weddings, graduations, and the like, I wouldn't have gone down at all.

When my mom died, the feeling of "home" left that small town I was born and raised in. It also left me.

I was under the assumption that the feeling of home could never be regained, and maybe it can't exist in the same way. But I am hopeful. I think home has come in a different form.

For the first time in many years, I am looking forward to visiting my home-town.

Why?

I believe it's because I have finally found a sense of home in myself.

I discovered that the feeling of home comes from me.

I am finally in a place where I am relatively comfortable in my own skin. And happy with the way my life is going, because I have finally taken control over my choices, and that accountability, while occasionally daunting, is also very empowering.

It also makes me feel "at home." I have finally come home....to myself. And for the first time, I am welcoming myself in.

And now that I carry that feeling with me, returning to a place laced with memories, which once triggered heartache and longing, doesn't seem so scary anymore. I can face them, and embrace them.

Now I can look at those memories and smile. I can sit in the swing where my mom once sat and think of her laughter. I can walk in the home where she took her last breathe, and think of her quiet, yet often mischievous grin.

And along with taking in the memories, I can also return to my childhood home, and FINALLY hold my head up high. Though in some sense I've never been so broken down, on the other hand, I have never been so okay, with me.

Sure, my life is a mess. But it's the beautiful mess I call home, finally. Finally I am home.